


Pick Up Lines

by Squid_Ink



Series: The Eagle and the Cross [49]
Category: Assassin's Creed
Genre: Bad Pick Up Lines, F/M, Humor, I'm avoiding my homework, crackfic, fuck it, it was supposed to be short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-28
Updated: 2016-07-28
Packaged: 2018-07-27 06:25:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7607299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Squid_Ink/pseuds/Squid_Ink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arno takes Ezio's advice about breaking the ice with Élise. Now he'll die alone and his corpse will be mauled on by his fifteen cats.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pick Up Lines

Arno found Ezio sitting by the fountain, regaling some girls with tales of his daring-dos and adventures. He walked up to his friend. "Ezio, I need to speak to you."

"I'm busy, Arno," Ezio replied. Arno cleared his throat.

"Ladies, if you hurry now, Connor just took off his shirt and is still working out," Arno lied. The girls gasped, and bolted off in the direction of the gym. Ezio frowned.

"Fine, whaddya want?" Ezio sighed, slightly annoyed.

"I need an ice-breaker… it's Élise."

"You mean that girl you've had a crush on since second grade? The French Lit. major? Maria's friend?"

"Yes, her," Arno said. "We broke up in high school, she moved to Quebec, and… well, now she's back in the States and—"

"Say no more  _amico mio_ ," Ezio said as he stood up and slung his arm around Arno, "say no more. I have you covered."

"Am I going to regret this?" Arno asked.

"When have I _ever_ gave you bad advice?" Ezio asked.

"You've given Jacob bad advice before," Arno pointed out.

"Jacob Frye is his own worst enemy," Ezio said, "he's a human disaster. All I do is give him some guidance."

"You make fun of the fact I'm French," Arno said.

"Oh yeah," Ezio said, grinning like a loon. "Hey, hey Arno, how do you say 'yes yes' in French?"

" _Je vais vous frapper dans le bite_ ," Arno said, pushing Ezio's arm off of his shoulders. "That's how."

"You're no fun anymore," Ezio grumbled. "Jacob always found that joke funny."

"Élise," Arno reminded Ezio.

"Right, right, _smettere di essere cos_ _ì_ _invandante_. So, you want to break the ice with Élise," Ezio said. Arno nodded. "All you have to do to start the conversation is going up to her and say: Are you from France? Because madaaaaame!" Ezio said, "and then wink at her."

"Don't say that Arno," Sofia said, walking up to them, her book-bag slung across her shoulder. "Just go up to Élise, say hi and ask her how her studies are going."

"Don't listen to Sofia, Arno," Ezio said, "Élise has a sense of humor and she'll find it amusing."

"Well, I…" Arno stammered, not sure who's advice to follow.

"Anyway, Sofia and I must be going, _buona fortuna,_ Arno!" Ezio said and lead Sofia off, falling into a rapid conversation in Italian. Arno swallowed before heading back to his dorm room.

* * *

He found Élise at the campus bar that night, sitting by herself and reading a book. He struggled for a moment with who's advice to listen to and decided he'd figure that out when actually got to Élise. He sighed and walked up to her. Élise heard him approach, lifted her head and beamed at him. "Arno, hi!" Élise said, cheerful.

 _Ezio's… definitely Ezio's._ Arno cleared his throat and said: "Are you from France? Because madaaaaame!" and winked.

The smile fell from Élise's face, she stood up and closed her book with a methodical rigidness that belied her anger. "After all these years," she said as she poured her drink over his head, "that is what you say to me, Arno?"

"Élise," Arno said, humiliated and hurt as Élise walked off. "Damn him!" Arno growled, realizing that he should have listened to Sofia. He then went to the bar and proceeded to get drunk.

* * *

Arno came out of his stupor in the wee hours of the morning. Connor had picked him up and slung him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes because he saw Connor's ass and the sidewalk. "Uuuuh…." Arno moaned.

"I would appreciate it if you did not vomit all over my backside, Arno," Connor said. "We are almost to the dorm." Connor added and Arno sighed, closing his eyes and tried to will away the pounding in his head. He doesn't remember ever reaching the dorm after Connor said they would, and he woke up around noon the next day with Connor and the Frye twins leaning over him.

"You okay, Arno?" Jacob asked. "Did Ezio pull one over you?"

"Go away and leave me here to die!" Arno wailed, rolling away from his friends. "I am a horrible human being! Do not look upon me! Leave me and spare yourselves!"

"I dare say he's still drunk," Jacob said. Connor pulled Arno over and shook him. Arno's head flopped back and forth.

"Dear God Connor, you're gonna kill him!" Evie shouted. Connor looked at her.

"No, continue Connor! Snap my neck! I don't deserve to live!" Arno said.

"Arno, you're being overly dramatic! It's not the end of the world!" Evie said.

"Yes, it is! Élise will never speak to me again!" Arno said. "She's going to marry that fucking twat Byron Jackson and I'm going to die alone—" Connor hauled Arno to his feet and lead him into the bathroom.

"Connor, what are you doing?" Evie interjected.

"He's going to sober him up, Evie," Jacob supplied.

"—and miserable with fifteen cats and my body won't be found and by the time it is my cats will have gnawed on my bones!"

Connor dunked Arno's head into the toilet bowl and held him there until he started to thrash. Connor pulled him out and Arno, gasping for breath pushed his wet hair out of his eyes. "What the fucking fuck Connor!"

"Are you sober yet?" Connor asked. Arno was about to speak but Connor shoved his head back into the toilet bowl.

"Flush the toilet Connor, that's how you give people swirlies," Jacob shouted from the living room.

"Jacob!" Evie hissed.

"Do it, Connor!"

"Jacob, don't encourage him!"

Connor pulled Arno's head out of the water again. "Well?" he asked. Arno pulled free of Connor's grip and glared at him.

"Yes, was that necessary?" Arno asked. Connor shrugged.

"That is what Grandpa Edward said to do in order to sober up people," Connor said, "though he said to use a horse trough."

"Dunking a person's head in water won't sober them up any faster, Connor," Evie said, "now, Arno are you going to be alright?"

"Or does Connor here need to dunk your head in the toilet again?" Jacob asked.

"I'll… no, I'm not alright! I should have never listened to Ezio! Now Élise will never speak to me and—"

"Marry that fucking twat Byron Jackson, meanwhile you'll live a lonely miserable life with fifteen cats, die with nobody realizing it and by the time they do find your body, your cats will have gnawed on your bones," Jacob said, "you were very particular on those details."

"Thank you, Jacob," Arno said, sitting on the bathroom floor, "but you aren't helping!"

"I try," Jacob mumbled.

"Arno, if you want to make it up to Élise, bring her some roses, apologize for being an ass and ask her out for some coffee."

"Élise doesn't really like roses," Arno mumbled.

"Then what does she like?" Evie asked.

"Books," Arno said, "Élise has always love books."

"Then get her a book," Evie suggested. "It's not the end of the world, and don't listen to Ezio about relationships… or Jacob for that matter."

"Hey, I resent that Evie." Jacob piped. Arno chuckled.

* * *

He found Élise at the café the next day, nose in a book. He ran his thumbs of the leather bound cover of the book he bought her before walking up and sitting down. Élise noticed him, glared and was about to get up when he stilled her, placing his hand on hers. "Élise, here me out," Arno said. Élise sat back down but the scowl didn't leave her face. "I'm sorry for acting like an ass that other night and to make it up to you, I… go you this," he presented her the book, "it's _Clockwork Lives_ by Kevin Anderson and Neil Peart… it's like _The Canterbury Tales_ only… steampunk."

Élise's face lit up at the sight of the book and she gleefully accepted it from Arno. She sniffed the pages, sighing in delight at the smell of binding glue, paper and ink. "Oh, Arno it's a lovely copy!" Élise said. "I accept your apology," she added. Arno breathed a sigh of relief. "Evie already told me everything."

"Wait… what?" Arno asked. "You and Evie are—"

"Friends. Yes. Me, Evie and Aveline are all friends. She already told me that you that I was going to marry Byron, and that you'll alone and get eaten by your cats."

"Traitor," Arno muttered. Élise giggled. "So… would you like a cup of coffee? M-Maybe we can talk about our studies and—" Élise leaned over and kissed him.

"Yes." Élise said, smiling at Arno. “I would love to rekindle our rel—”

“Arno, Arno!” Ezio shouted, shoving his way over to their table. “Arno, _amico mio!_ Connor told me what happened and—” Élise punched Ezio in the jaw.

“That’s for telling my boyfriend horrible pick-up lines!” Élise snarled, then grabbed Arno by the bicep and hauled him to his feet. “C’mon, Arno. Let’s go somewhere where the company is better,” Élise said and they left the café hand in hand.

“All I was going to say was sorry,” Ezio muttered. “Well, I guess in the end, it did work. He got the girl after all.”

**Author's Note:**

> Assassin's Creed (c) Ubisoft
> 
> This was supposed to be short. Just a quick thing. It's seven pages. I can't write Ezio. I can't really right anyone of these guys in a modern setting, save more maybe Evie and Jacob and Connor. This is crack. Enjoy, leave reviews, get drunk and be merry!
> 
> Save an author; leave a review
> 
> nemo et nihil


End file.
